Apocrypha

Apocrypha does not exist

2007-07-26T09:01:00.001-04:00

- This message brought to you by Apocrypha -

The old gang

2007-07-21T09:48:00.000-04:00

We were a close group of friends that even over the years have managed to stay together in some sort of fashion.

The oldest of us is Scott who has given up a lab job to go back to school for business. He gets married next month though it must be a small ceremony as only two of our group are invited. I'm not one of them.

There is Rob whose uncle is a local police officer meaning that none of us really got into any serious trouble in our younger, more wilder days. He became a customs officer at the Toronto International Airport. If you see him, ask him about the phonebook flip.

Next are the constantly bickering Mark and Matt. Mark has two kids from separate mothers but only acknowledges the life of one. I don't know why he doesn't want to be a part of the life of his daughter; I don't even know her name. Rumour has it though that he has started giving quiet support payments to the mother. Matt has a famous author for an uncle and has a family name with history. He always talks like he has money yet he never buys anything and complains about how much things cost. I've known Matt since I was six and Mark since I was twelve. We're the basic core unit of the group as we're the only ones who are currently back in our home town. Mark of course, having never left while Matt and I went away for school and moved back after.

Ryan and Evan were the youngest. Ryan being the actual youngest as he skipped ahead a year in school. He's married now to his high school sweetheart and they have a nice home in a small town up north. She's a teacher and he works in telephone store. They have no kids yet, but two cats, a dog, and a pool.

After grade 12 grad, Mark drove Evan (who still to this day doesn't have his license) to Toronto so he could enlist in the military. Evan joined the Navy and after training and a small stint on the Pacific, found himself in Halifax and attached to the HMCS Toronto. An NCO trained in Fire Control he did some tours in the Gulf and then spent the last two years training others to do his job. He's currently been assigned to the HMCS Montreal and will hit the water again sometime next year. He's gone career and has been in the Navy since he was 18.

Because of the Navy we haven't seen Evan much these past ten years. Me least of all as I didn't have the time off work to visit Halifax as often as Mark and Matt have. Most of what I know of Evan is what trickles down to me through them. The last time I saw Evan was two or three years ago after I was dumped by a long term girlfriend. But he's home now, two weeks early before his scheduled 3 week leave.

His father is dying. I'm not sure from exactly what but it is some kind of bowel infection. The doctor has pulled out several feet of intestine, the appendix, and the gallbladder still to no avail. From what I understand, Evan and his sister only found out about the illness right from their father's doctor; their step-mother having never mentioned it to them. Evan himself doesn't talk much about it, or at least while I'm around so what I hear comes mainly from Mark and a bit from Matt.

I feel some kind of responsibility to talk to him about it, but not sure what to say. Perhaps start off the conversation with how my mother has cancer, which I only found out last month when I was in the Philippines and haven't told anyone about. My mother tries to talk to me about it, but all she does is cry. In a couple weeks she goes into the hospital herself for surgery.

I think Evan, like myself, just wants things to be like they always were; like they have always been. That we're all just a group of goof-off high school kids with no intention of growing up. But how can we not grow up when the world grows old around us.

Old friends

2007-07-20T01:30:00.000-04:00

What do you say when you haven't seen a good friend in two years and you're only seeing him now because his dad is dying.

Pingu

2007-07-16T09:54:00.001-04:00

Is there anything more funny than that claymation penguin?

My pants can transform into a tent

2007-07-11T11:50:00.000-04:00

God is empty....just like me

2007-07-09T12:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not the same anymore. Something about the Philippines changed me. Maybe it's the constant dreams that started while I was down there.

Dreams were frequent...every night. Never really the same but about the same thing. They've been plaguing me ever since.

I came home and everything was the same. My friends never changed. Stuck in an evolutional rut. Stuck in small town life.

For some reason I'm not the same. For all I know it's only temporary. It's only been almost a month since I came home...perhaps I'll settle again. Enter the same old rut as well.

Which is why travelling seems to be important to me now. New places. New things. New experiences. Something that isn't the same old life that I'm used to.

For some reason I feel that my life isn't based out of here. But that gives me pause to think.

Am I running away? And if so...what am I running from? Who am I running from? Am I running from someone at all?

Or is it that I'm running from the dreams? Pointless really. As they've already proven that they'll follow me everywhere.

It's always behind me. No matter where I end up. It's like everywhere I go you can see the line I lay behind me that traces its way through where I've been and where I came from.

Running doesn't make a difference.

Hey Sunshine

2007-07-07T23:47:00.000-04:00

Kiss this!

or if you prefer...

Finally got my internet working again. Stupid internet.

Revelation

2007-07-02T23:36:00.000-04:00

Why is it that single moms and newly divorced women smell like a mixture of baby powder and cigarettes?

And why does that turn me on?

I am big in the Philippines

2007-06-27T14:11:00.000-04:00

More proof as to how small they are in the Phillipines.

This is one of my reps holding my regular, run-of-the-mill, pocket-sized calculator.

What does that make you think now Sunshine

right

2007-06-25T10:26:00.000-04:00

10am is the earliest I've gotten up without an alarm since I got home.

I guess living 12 hours ahead can really screw up your sleeping schedule...

A taste of the Philippines

2007-06-21T05:24:00.000-04:00

1. Sarsi (rootbeer) with (raw) egg - considered an energy drink it oddly enough tastes like an ice cream float....

2. Taho - This kind of looks better than it tastes..all that white stuff is a soy paste. Now I know why some girls don't swallow....

3. McDonald's Sundaes - First off is Halo-Halo (on the left) which is a mixture of shaved ice, milk, and sugar, to which is added various sweet beans and fruits. And on the right is the Creamy Corn (yes CORN) sundae...

4. Local brands - the local brand of choice is SML: San Miguel Light. It's better than American beer but not as good as Canadian beer...but at fifty cents Canadian a bottle who can refuse?

5. Local restaurants - Now take this tongue in cheek if you will, but that sign says exactly what you think it says. That's right...when you go to the Philippines you too can have a Little Poon. Not a day went by when I didn't want some Little Poon to snack on. Thank everything holy for a Little Poon!

Ahhhh Tokyo

2007-06-19T03:32:00.000-04:00

As you can see the Japanese are a very small people.

Here I am holding a bottle of Coke and a carton of ice cream...

Pretty much self explanitory...

WTF

Again....WTF!

See I don't need sleep...I just need a toilet seat cover...

Mercy Misses You

2007-06-17T22:31:00.000-04:00

I'm back.

Who cares?

1 week down....5 to go

2007-05-14T10:20:00.001-04:00

Ahh, the Philippines.

I like this place. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I didn't have to pay a cent to get here nor that I didn't have to pay a cent while I'm here (I was given a hearty food allowance before I left and I receive a transportation allowance shortly). Basically the only things I actually pay for are things I might buy to take home with me, though I have done only a little shopping.

What is there to say about a place where women out number men about 7 to 1 and then half of those men are gay...

That means even Lil'Mikey could get laid in a place like this and possibly find himself a very nice husband. Beer is so cheap that Ciavarro himself could stay in a sustained Ciavarro'd state for the rest of his life with only his small sums of money. The local brands (San Miguel) are sold readily at any 7/11 or other convenience store on a 24/7 basis for about 20 php a bottle (that's about 50 cents Canadian....) Beer is even sold by the BASKET here!! The only problem recently having been a national liquor ban that started Saturday at midnight and runs to either tonight or tomorrow at midnight which is in place due to it being an election day. Which put a damper on our festivities this weekend, yet we still managed to have a good time with some private stocks. That and you were allowed to order as much as you wanted at the 11:50pm last call which amounted to our tab being 60 bottles of beer, two bottles of rum, and a bottle of wine (for our boss). Last Tuesday we even managed to get cut off at 8:30 am so we went down the street to the next 7/11 and got another basket before heading back to the hotel.

Philippino women are gorgeous and ever so polite. I've even managed to treat one to dinner and enjoyed the local life. The stories I could tell are numerous and the things I have seen would amaze some. Though right now I'm at a loss as for things to say and it's been a long day.

One thing I have to say though, is that the armed guards are nice. They're all over the place and keep an eye on things quite well. They've opened doors for me nearly any where I've been from Starbucks, to the mall, to work; they cleared a table off for us at the McDonald's when we wanted to give it a try; and they say a polite hello when we enter/exit the hotel no matter what time it is. On the first floor of our hotel (Discover Suites Manila) there is a bank which keeps nine guards on duty at all times (6 with pistols + 3 with very large shotguns); at one of our centres here there is also a bank on the first floor which has a very nice guard with an uzi. How can you really not feel safe. Every car that enters a parking structure is searched for bombs; all mall entrances (and a few other public places) are lined with metal detectors and guards (these ones might even have a dog with them who is ever so cute...) but after a while you actually don't notice them and their bright white uniforms. Life here is not all that different from home and is quite fun.

My roommate is a dork and while he is currently at work I've stolen his computer to finally get online. I could write a book about this guy and was disappointed when his trip to the local hospital wasn't fatal.

If anyone wants me to drop them a line, send me an email and I'll write you when I get the chance. If anyone wants a more personal line from me then email your phone number as I have free long distance and don't mind using it as well as a time of day that is best to call you (in EST preferably) - though due to lack of any foreknowledge of this benefit I left any and all phone numbers at home.

It's been a long day. I'll try to get back on tomorrow and write something else.

Cowhatta?

2007-05-04T00:52:00.000-04:00

4am Saturday morning. What the fuck? Who the hell leaves anywhere at that time of the day (is it even day yet?).

Who wants to pack for me?

not even a week to go

2007-04-29T17:51:00.000-04:00

It's good to have friends.

Friends who will apprently miss you.

So they take you out and give you booze.

Shit, it's almost like they hope to never see me again.

They call me Greyhound cause I'm all ribs and wang

2007-04-24T13:42:00.000-04:00

Looks like I get to return to Vancouver...for about 2 hours on the 5th of May. I always wanted to get back to Vancity but 2 hours won't even get it justice.

Basically I'm looking at Toronto to Vancouver - Vancouver to Tokyo - Tokyo to Manila.

Drinks at the Vancity airport anyone...from about 11am to 1pm

Manila

2007-04-23T10:12:00.000-04:00

6 to 8 weeks in the Philippines.

Leaving May 5th.

Anyone else want to tell me how I'm going to die and or get kidnapped?

needles...

2007-04-20T23:06:00.000-04:00

So time is getting short. I need to make appointments for immunizations for diseases I never even thought of. Yellow Fever, Hep A and B (of course), Typhoid...rabies...even Malaria and Menigococcus.

Right now though I'm getting books together for my 18-20 hour flight.

This is going to hurt...

2007-04-19T00:49:00.000-04:00

Looks like I'm going to be leaving Canada for 6 weeks (minimum) in a foreign country.

Nothing like immunization...

Mind Games

2007-04-17T14:01:00.000-04:00

Guy says apple.

Girl may hear apple, may even see apple...yet she still thinks orange.

Time goes on. Guy says apple and girl still thinks orange.

Conflicts occur with guy sticking to his guns- APPLE. Girl starts to possibly think apple yet still comes up with ORANGE and even starts to think Guy is starting to think ORANGE.

Then the fight of fight happens. Girl says ORANGE and guy maintains APPLE...apologizes for ORANGE yet still maintains APPLE....APPLE, APPLE, FUCKING APPLE!

What gets me is why people get accused of playing mind games. When Guy says Apple and Girl thinks Orange how is that the Guy's fault. Apparently it is.

And you just can't compare apples to oranges...

Passing through

2007-04-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

I remember once that I worked with this girl. Off the top of my head I can remember her name was Emily though her last name escapes me and was probably something like Schofield, or Shneider, or whatever. Emily and I worked together at a dead end summer job. We'd get to talking and yadda yadda yadda while we worked and seemed to get along together quite well. I even drove her home a few times after work. She lived downtown in an apartment over some shop with her dad and her brother. Once I even got the balls enough to ask her for her number. Surprisingly enough she actually gave it to me. It took a couple days but I actually did call her with the intention to ask her out. Oddly enough I never got that far. When she answered and I told her who I was she laughed a bit which I chalked up to her being nervous. Then she said something which I honestly haven't forgotten, "I'm so sorry, but if I thought you'd actually call I wouldn't have given you my number."

ha

2007-04-08T22:47:00.000-04:00

Just when you think you have it all sorted out....

That's the exact moment you realize that you're colour blind...

And that means you're fucked

Hello Sunshine

2007-04-05T12:19:00.000-04:00

It's trying to snow again.

I even had to brush off a thin layer off of my car last night after work.

Three cheers for global warming!

Husk

2007-03-30T22:30:00.000-04:00

As we pulled away from my house, the car doors locked automatically. Nothing really frightening, just standard procedure in cars today so I wasn’t worried. She pulled down the street and took a left. She hadn’t been in the area in a while, so perhaps she had forgot that the usual Tim Horton’s was actually to the right. But then I thought she might have been going to the new one out by the highway. It was the least busy of them and we certainly wouldn’t be seen by anyone, which I think is what we both wanted considering the situation.

Yet when she pulled onto the highway I looked at her with what I hoped was only curiosity and not the fear that seemed to be growing in me; spreading fast.

“Oh,” she said with a shrug and a smile, “I forgot to tell you. I’m kidnaping you.”

The truth of her statement sank into me the farther we got from home. After a couple hours on the highway she finally pulled off into a little town that seemed quiet and deserted. The majority of the trip had been silent except for the music on the radio and there were still no words spoken now. She drove with a purpose; glancing at me with a smile every few minutes. But I was still quite uneasy about my whole ‘abduction’.

As natural as if she was following a predetermined past she directed us through the streets of the peaceful town to an unknown goal. The streets were empty. The homes were dark and slumbering, huddled close against the cold. I got the feeling that we were invading into an unsuspecting body; like the noise of the engine would destroy this tranquil serenity. Maybe someone would wake and rescue me.

Soon the sky was lit with the glow of disgusting neon lights which drew the eye instantly. The flashing reds, blues, and yellows were both inviting and revolting. As we got closer, the brightest of the flashes read ‘Vacancy’. The feeling in my stomach didn’t ease up when she started to slow down. It was late into the night so there were already a few cars settled into the spots outside the rooms. Most of the windows were dark except for a room on the end and the office which was part of an attached house.

She parked in a spot across from the office and smiled widely at me as she turned off the car. “I’ll be right back, okay?” she said as she pulled the key from the ignition and stuck it into her coat pocket. As she went into the office I got out of the car to stretch my legs.

I also took the time to weigh my options. I know in general where I was and could probably make it to the highway from here. It was a small town so signs pointing the way should be easy to find. The only problem was I’d have to walk which would be pointless for an escape. I leaned against the car and looked into the large window of the office to see a middle-aged woman hand my abductor a set of keys with a smile. Everyone was all smiles but me.

How do I get myself into these things?

Why do I get myself into these things?

Her footsteps announced her presence as she walked up beside me. “I got us a room,” there was a cheery tone in her voice, “Are you ready?”

I sighed inwardly and tried to a smile on my face.

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

When I woke the next morning I felt ill. I knew I wasn’t sick but still my stomach certainly remembered better days. We were entwined together on the bed in an artistic and comfortable way. Her head was on my chest with her hands tucked under me. I closed my eyes to stop the spinning ceiling. Instead of calming darkness I was greeted with momentary images from last night. Her overpowering my lackluster reluctance. My body succumbing to practiced action and not desire. I became the pilot of a puppet where I couldn’t pull the strings. A third person with a first person view.

I did what she thought I wanted to do. But I only did it because she wanted me to. She was sleeping peacefully; content.

Happy.

The drive home was silent. Her face still wearing a wide smile from last night. The music was loud. The way she liked it. She sang and smiled, drumming on my leg with her off hand to a beat I couldn’t really listen to. I wasn’t in control of things. I wasn’t in control of myself. Who was pulling the strings?

When she dropped me off she kissed me. I looked around to see if anyone was watching. On the walk up to the front door I tried to find a reason for last night. I couldn’t come up with anything.

There was no reason at all. I felt empty.

I felt like nothing.

Yet still. If I was nothing more than an empty shell, a husk, then who is in control.

Who is pulling my strings?

masturbation

2007-03-26T16:08:00.001-04:00

It just goes to show, that if you need something done right, you have to do it yourself.....

driving

2007-03-23T00:55:00.000-04:00

Me: *tapping her leg in beat with the song

Her: *harshly throwing my hand off her leg and back towards me" I'm NOT your drum you know!

Me: Really? Then why do I get to bang you all the time?

Her: .......Touche....

Proposition: The present is absent

2007-03-21T14:30:00.000-04:00

The present is nothing more than the sum of the past with the anticipation of the future

There is no present other than re-presentation

The present is only retroactive

Fuck it - it's snowing

2007-03-19T13:07:00.000-04:00

The weekend was uneventful

Watched a couple friends argue constantly for hours on end over the same small and insignificant point.

Insomnia rocks

It's stupid when you mean one thing, but someone else takes it to mean another. Then once they miss the point completely you have no way of getting them to see what you meant because it would then hurt their feelings and that is not what you want to do. But if they keep on believing in what you didn't mean then they'll get hurt worse.

300

2007-03-15T15:04:00.000-04:00

Excellent entertainment.

Of course I noticed the sly plausibility of releasing a movie about slaying Persians during a continuing conflict where people are slaying Persians. Discussed this with my wicker counter-part.

Wished for a moment I could have slayed the Persian I had as one of my roommates in second year - that jack ass.

A couple days later I discussed with an American friend the interesting concept of releasing a "pro-war" movie about slaying Persians during the recent time of history.

He just didn't get it.

Either way - great entertainment and worth the bucks I spent to see it.

It's all bullshit and buttplugs

2007-03-13T00:40:00.000-04:00

I have problems.

Big deal?

No, not at all.

Everyone has problems.

Mine seem more important to me because they're mine.

Will I share them with you?

Probably not.

Besides

Who really fucking cares when the chips are down anyway?

I will admit that I've become quite selfish.

I used to live my life making someone else happy. Through that I found my own happiness. That person then pissed on me and from what I can tell has done nothing but piss on our past ever since. I'm sorry I was not as important as you made me feel. I'm sorry for what you make me feel I did a lot of things wrong but you never told me so that we had the chance to fix it.

I used to think you were far more mature than I was. I can see now though that I was probably quite wrong. Why not? From what I understand, being wrong is the only thing I get right.

Which is why life is nothing but bullshit and buttplugs.

Why's that you ask?

Because if someone isn't trying to feed you bullshit, they're certianly trying to get somewhere you don't want them to be.....

2007-03-10T13:06:00.000-05:00

Fucking essays....

What's the big deal

2007-03-07T14:29:00.000-05:00

So many people are up in arms. Oh the controversy! Not our boy wizard! Oh my god, how could he? My son saw this picture and was really confused.

Or at least that's what you'd hear on the news.

Show the same picture to a group of women that I work with - all old enough to be mothers (so 14 - 58 considering where I live but they're not allowed to work where I work till they're at least 16 or 17 so they already have toddlers - but I digress) then you hear sentences that will make a sailor blush. I've heard rude comments before and have even said some....but holy shit are women worse than I've ever been.

And they say that I was guilty of sexual harrassment...

***EDIT*** Apparently Photobucket didn't like the pic so they took it away....

Apocrypha presents: The Search for the Next Pussy

2007-03-03T17:32:00.001-05:00

Ahhhh, the Pussycat Dolls. Has there ever been a more blatant mixture of spank bank material? Well probably not ones that can "sing" anyway. Their songs I hear are even catchy but what would I know as I watch them on mute. I think their most known song is "Don't Cha" contains that awesome lyric "Don't cha wish your girlfriend took a shot like me?". Now that's a good song!

Well it seems that this platter of tits and ass wants to take reality televsion in a whole new erection with their Idol-esque show: The Pussycat Dolls Presents: The Search for the Next Doll. What better way to raise more attention then to put on a bigger display. Gotta love the media. Just when you thought you had enough Pussy's they realize that you need to have another. That gives you one Pussy for each day of the week...though I doubt they would really hold anything against you if you wanted to have more than one at a time.

Honestly! Do you think these girls bother about sharing? They look primed for group activity.

I might even watch this show...on mute...in the dark...alone....with a bottle of....nevermind.

Here's some teaser photos to help prove my point.

Practice! Practice! Practice! If you can do it on your knees you can do it anywhere!

This one's so used to having black things stuck near her mouth she looks bored!

Personally I want this one. I like the flexible ones.

Anal Arguments 2

2007-02-28T01:38:00.000-05:00

She: You know there is only one reason why a guy wants to fuck a girl in the ass...

Me: Oh really? What is it? Enlighten me please.

She: The only reason a guy wants anal is because he's a closet gay.

Me: Nah, that's not it at all...

She: ...

Me: The only reason why I want anal sex is that for once in my life I actually want to fuck something that's tight!

She: ...!!!

Words to raise your hit counter

2007-02-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

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Racism?

2007-02-20T19:42:00.000-05:00

I know, it's an old topic really. But what I don't get is why people would "hate the black man". There are a tonne of things that "the black man" has done to help us "the white man" out. They pick our cotton. They work our fields. They make sure that our prisons aren't underpopulated and our police aren't without work. They make sure that our slums have residents. They make sure that our day-time talk shows are humourous with all "da babies daddies" you could ever want. They make sure that we don't have a surplus of corn, watermelon, and fried chicken. They keep drug rings in business. Hell, they even fight our unwanted wars. And what do they get? They get told they're inferior; unintelligent; a slave race with dicks the size of a three-year old's arm holding a grapefruit.

But "the black man" deserves our praise. Because without them who would date all the fat white chicks?

Baby's got back!

Anal Arguments

2007-02-18T08:51:00.000-05:00

Me: So what do you have against anal sex?

She: I just don't want to do it...

Me: Bah...where's your sense of adventure? What about sexual experimentation?

She: Ha! How about this then? How about I stick a dildo up your ass and see how you like it?

Me: Really? That would interest you?

She: About as much as you sticking someing up my ass.

Me: Alright then. And as a sign of good faith, I'll even let you stick me first. But in all honesty, as soon as you're done, I'm going to stick you right back the same way you got me.

She: ..........

Me: What? Isn't that fair? I'm even letting you go first so that you know I won't poke and run....

She: Okay....I really don't know what to say at this point...how about we change the subject....

Point - Set - Match! Winner: Me

Stairs

2007-02-14T14:19:00.000-05:00

The Do It Yourself Abortion Kit!